EroFantasie

Ah, bonjour! Oh, I am sorry, you are maybe from the Flemish part? Goeiedag! You want to hear from my friend, yes? My name is Jean-Pierre, and I am writing to you from my beautiful home in Bruges, with a glass of fine Trappist beer in my hand and a view of the canals, you know? Jake, he is my good American friend, very funny man with the big hat. He asks me, “Jean-Pierre, you are a man of the world, you appreciate the beautiful chocolat, the fine frites, and the company of a stunning jeune fille. You must try this website, Find My Dating App. It has 4,000 sites!” I say to him, “Jake, my friend, 4,000 sites? This is not an app, this is a big problème!” But I am a man of curiosity, of… how you say… aventure! So I try.

The pro, the good part? It is… simple, no? You answer a few little questions, and poof, it sends you to another site. It is like a good Belgian waffle – it has many squares, but it is still one waffle, compris? It is very efficient, I will give it this. It does not waste your time with long procedures. It is like a good frites with mayonnaise – simple, direct, and to the point, d’accord?

But the cons, mince alors, the cons! This is not one app. It is like the front door of a very big and very confusing festival! You click one button and you are with “the lovers of the chocolat.” You click another and you are with “the people who like to drink the Trappist beer all day.” It is a madness! And every site, every single one, they want your money. It is more expensive than a box of my favorite pralines, I tell you!

Now, for my personal story. I go on this app, and it asks me, “What are you looking for, Jean-Pierre?” I say, “I am looking for a fille with passion, a woman who enjoys the good chocolat, the fine waffles, and perhaps a walk in the forest, oui?” I press the button, and the screen, it says, “Perfect! We have found the ideal site for you: ‘Waffle Wow’!”

Waffle Wow? Mon Dieu! I think, “Well, Belgium is the land of beautiful women and good waffles, so why not?” I click, and I see a profile of a woman, her name is Sophie. She is beautiful, her smile is like the sun over the Atomium, and in her picture, she is holding a big gaufre with strawberries. I think, “Magnifique!” I send her a message. I say, “Bonjour, mademoiselle. This gaufre, it is almost as beautiful as you.”

She writes back very fast! She says, “Oh, you are a man of good taste! I am so happy to meet you! I am looking for a partner who understands… the gaufre.”

So we talk, you know? We talk for hours. She asks me what I like to do. I tell her I like to play jeu de boules, to listen to Jacques Brel, to walk in the forest at night. She says, “That sounds… nice. I mostly just make my gaufres. I give my toppings names. I talk to them.”

At this point, my friend, I am feeling a little… bizarre. But I am a gentleman, so I continue. I ask her, “So, Sophie, what is your biggest fantasy?” She writes back, and I swear on the grave of King Baudouin, this is what she said: “My biggest fantasy is to find a man who is willing to be covered, from head to toe, in my special chocolat sauce, and then I want to cover him with whipped cream and sprinkles.”

I just sit there. My beer, it almost falls from my hand. I am looking for a woman of passion, and I find a woman who wants to use me as a dessert! It is too much for me! I close my laptop, I go outside, and I look at my manneken pis statue. I need a moment.

So this is my review, my friend. This Find My Dating App, it is like a box of chocolats. You do not know what you will get. You might find a beautiful fille, or you might find a woman who wants to turn you into a waffle. It is a gamble, a loterie, as you Americans say.

So, I will stick to the cafes of Brussels, no? At least there, the only thing that is sweet is the chocolat, and not the woman’s fantasy. C’est la vie, my friend. It is life. You take the good with the… very, very strange. Santé