FetishPartner

Ah, guten tag! So you vish to hear from my friend, yes? My name is Klaus, and I am writing to you from my beautiful home in Bavaria, vith a good beer in my hand and a view of ze Alps, you know? Jake, he is my good amerikanischer friend, very funny man vith the big hat. He asks me, “Klaus, you are a man of order, of precision, you appreciate ze good bratwurst, ze fine beer, and ze company of a strong frau. You must try zis website, Find My Dating App. It has 4,000 sites!” I say to him, “Jake, my friend, 4,000 sites? Zis is not an app, zis is a problem!” But I am a man of logic, of… how you say… untersuchung! So I try.

Ze pro, ze good part? It is… efficient, no? You answer a few little questions, and poof, it sends you to anozher site. It is like a good German car – it gets you to your destination, but you must follow ze rules, verstanden? It is very organized, I vill give it zis. It does not vaste your time viz long procedures. It is like a good bier – strong, direct, and to ze point, ja?

But ze cons, ach du meine Güte, ze cons! Zis is not one app. It is like ze front door of a very big and very confusing oktoberfest! You click one button and you are viz “ze lovers of ze sauerkraut.” You click anozher and you are viz “ze people who like to vear lederhosen all day.” It is a madness! And every site, every single one, zey vant your money. It is more expensive than a good time in Munich, I tell you!

Now, for my personal story. I go on zis app, and it asks me, “Vhat are you looking for, Klaus?” I say, “I am looking for a frau viz efficiency, a voman who enjoys ze good bratwurst, ze fine beer, and perhaps a walk in ze forest, ja?” I press ze button, and ze screen, it says, “Perfect! Ve have found ze ideal site for you: ‘Bratwurst Babes’!”

Bratwurst Babes? Mein Gott! I sink, “Vell, Germany is ze land of beautiful women and good bratwurst, so vy not?” I click, and I see a profile of a voman, her name is Helga. She is beautiful, her smile is like ze sun over ze Black Forest, and in her picture, she is holding a big bratwurst. I sink, “Wunderbar!” I send her a message. I say, “Guten tag, fräulein. Zis bratwurst, it is almost as beautiful as you.”

She writes back very fast! She says, “Oh, you are a man of taste! I am so happy to meet you! I am looking for a partner who understands… ze bratwurst.”

So ve talk, you know? Ve talk for hours. She asks me vhat I like to do. I tell her I like to vork on my car, to listen to classical music, to hike in ze mountains. She says, “Zat sounds… nice. I mostly just polish my bratwurst. I give zem names. I talk to zem.”

At zis point, my friend, I am feeling a little… seltsam. But I am a gentleman, so I continue. I ask her, “So, Helga, vhat is your biggest fantasy?” She writes back, and I svear on ze grave of Otto von Bismarck, zis is vhat she said: “My biggest fantasy is to find a man who is villing to let me use his nose as a stick to cook my bratwurst over an open fire, vile ve listen to very loud polka music.”

I just sit zere. My beer, it almost falls from my hand. I am looking for a voman of efficiency, and I find a voman who vants to use my nose as a cooking utensil! It is too much for me! I close my laptop, I go outside, and I look at my garden gnomes. I need a moment.

So zis is my review, my friend. Zis Find My Dating App, it is like a box of chocolates. You do not know vhat you vill get. You might find a beautiful frau, or you might find a voman who vants to turn you into a kitchen gadget. It is a gamble, a lotterie, as you Americans say.

So, I vill stick to ze beer gardens of Munich, no? At least zere, ze only zing zat is hot is ze bratwurst, and not my nose. So ist das Leben, my friend. It is life. You take ze good viz ze… very, very strange. Prost