FlirtingLocal

Hey there, buddy! Jake’s good friend from up north, eh? My name’s Chuck, and I’m comin’ at ya from my cabin out here in beautiful British Columbia. Jake’s a great guy, a real hoot, so I figured I’d help him out and give you the lowdown on this here Find My Dating App, you know? I was sittin’ here on my deck, havin’ a double-double, and thought, “Why not, eh?”

So, first off, what’s good about this thing? Well, it’s pretty simple to get started, that’s for sure. You just answer a few questions about what you’re lookin’ for, and it sends you off to another site. It’s like a hockey pass – quick and to the point, eh? I guess that’s nice if you’re not lookin’ to muck around. It’s got a ton of options, or so it says. It’s like a Tim Hortons drive-thru for dating, just pickin’ what you want from the menu.

But the cons, buddy? Oh boy, the cons. This thing ain’t really one app, it’s like a front door for a whole mess of other websites, all wantin’ your loonies and toonies. I clicked one thing and ended up on a site for “lumberjack lovers,” clicked another and was on a site for “people who like to wear flannel 24/7.” It was more confusing than tryin’ to figure out why we put milk in bags. And every single site it sent me to wanted money. It was like goin’ to a hockey game where you gotta pay for every single sip of your beer. It’ll make your wallet feel lighter than a snowflake in a heatwave, eh?

Now, let me tell you a little story about my time with this Find My Dating App. So I’m on there, and it asks me what I’m lookin’ for. I figure, honesty’s the best policy, right? So I type in, “A down-to-earth gal who likes hockey, a good campfire, and doesn’t mind a bit of grizzly bear country.” I hit enter, and the screen flashes and says, “Perfect! We’ve found the ideal site for you: ‘Maple Leaf Mates’!”

Well, I’ll be, that sounds right up my alley, don’t it? So I click on over to this Maple Leaf Mates site, and I’m feelin’ pretty good, eh? The first profile I see is this real pretty gal. Name’s Cindy. She’s got a big smile, says she loves the outdoors, and her profile picture is her standin’ next to a moose. I’m thinkin’, “Well, hello, Cindy.” I send her a message, somethin’ real smooth like, “How’s it goin’, eh? That’s a real beauty of a moose you got there. Bet he’s a good conversationalist.”

She messages back right away, which was a good sign. She says, “Oh, he’s not a pet! He just wandered into my backyard. I named him Gary. We’re best friends now. We go for walks, we watch the Leafs game, he even sleeps on my porch.”

Well, I’m a little taken aback, but I figure, okay, she’s just real friendly with the local wildlife. So we keep chattin’. She asks me what I do for fun, and I tell her I like to fish, hunt, and go to the hockey game on Saturday nights. She says, “Oh, that sounds nice. Gary prefers more quiet activities. We mostly just hang out and I read him the newspaper.”

At this point, I’m startin’ to think this ain’t exactly what I was lookin’ for. But I’m a polite guy, so I keep chattin’. Then she asks me if I have any pets. I tell her I have a good ol’ dog named Gus. She asks what kind of dog he is, and I tell her he’s a husky. She messages back, and this is the honest-to-goodness truth, she says, “A husky? Oh, I’m so sorry. Those dogs are too loud. They make Gary nervous. I don’t think this is going to work out. Please don’t write back.”

Well, I just sat there for a minute, my jaw hangin’ open like a car trunk that won’t close. I was rejected. By a woman. Because her moose don’t like my dog’s breed. I was more confused than a Newfie at a fancy wine tasting. I felt like a real hosier. I went and found Gus and gave him a big ol’ hug, just to reassure him that he wasn’t too loud.

So there you have it, buddy. Find My Dating App is like a box of Timbits. You never know what you’re gonna get. You might find a nice gal, or you might get rejected by a woman’s pet moose. It’s a real mixed bag, and it’s a gamble. It’s like ice fishin’ – you might catch a big one, or you might just end up with a cold butt.

Alright, that’s all from me today. I think I’ll stick to meetin’ women the old-fashioned way – at the hockey rink. At least there, the only moose I gotta worry about is the one on the Canadian quarter. Take off, eh?