FlirtiWiecej

Ah, hello! You want to hear from my friend, yes? My name is Jan, and I am writing to you from my beautiful home near the Tatra mountains in Poland. Jake, he is my good friend from America, very funny man with the big hat. He asks me, “Jan, you are a man of the world, you appreciate the culture, the pierogi, and the company of a strong woman. You must try this website, Find My Dating App. It has 4,000 sites!” I say to him, “Jake, my friend, 4,000 sites? This is not an app, this is a problem!” But I am a man of curiosity, of… how you say… badania! So I try.

The pro, the good part? It is… simple, no? You answer a few little questions, and poof, it sends you to another site. It is like a tram in Kraków – it gets you where you are going, but you do not always know where that is. It is very efficient, I will give it this. It does not waste your time with long procedures. It is like a good Polish pierogi – full of good stuff and straight to the point, eh?

But the cons, kurczę, the cons! This is not one app. It is like the front door of a very big and very expensive pijalnia wódki! You click one button and you are with “the lovers of the kiszona ogórka.” You click another and you are with “the people who like to dress like the Pope.” It is a madness! And every site, every single one, they want your money. It is more expensive than a dinner in Warsaw, I tell you!

Now, for my personal story. I go on this app, and it asks me, “What are you looking for, Jan?” I say, “I am looking for a woman with passion, a woman who enjoys the fine arts, the good wódka, and perhaps a dance under the stars, tak?” I press the button, and the screen, it says, “Perfect! We have found the ideal site for you: ‘Pierogi Passions’!”

Pierogi Passions? Pierogi passions? I think, “Well, Poland is the land of pierogi and love, so why not?” I click, and I see a profile of a woman, her name is Zofia. She is beautiful, her smile is like the sun over the Vistula River, and in her picture, she is holding a big plate of pierogi ruskie. I think, “Cudownie!” I send her a message. I say, “Dzień dobry, pani. This pierogi, it is almost as beautiful as you.”

She writes back very fast! She says, “Oh, you are a man of taste! I am so happy to meet you! I am looking for a partner who understands… the pierogi.”

So we talk, you know? We talk for hours. She asks me what I like to do. I tell her I like to hike, to listen to Chopin, to walk in the old town of Kraków. She says, “That sounds… nice. I mostly just stuff pierogi. I give them names. I sing to them.”

At this point, my friend, I am feeling a little… dziwny. But I am a gentleman, so I continue. I ask her, “So, Zofia, what is your biggest fantasy?” She writes back, and I swear on the grave of Pope John Paul II, this is what she said: “My biggest fantasy is to find a man who is willing to be rolled, from head to toe, in a giant pierogi, while we listen to folk music.”

I just sit there. My wódka, it almost falls from my hand. I am looking for a woman of passion, and I find a woman who wants to use me as a filling! It is too much for me! I close my laptop, I go outside, and I look at my śliwka tree. I need a moment.

So this is my review, my friend. This Find My Dating App, it is like a box of chocolates. You do not know what you will get. You might find a beautiful mademoiselle, or you might find a woman who wants to turn you into a pierogi. It is a gamble, a loteria, as you Americans say.

So, I will stick to the pijalnia of Kraków, no? At least there, the only thing that is doughy is the pierogi, and not the woman’s fantasy. Takie jest życie, my friend. It is life. You take the good with the… very, very strange. Na zdrowie