ConexoMadura

Ah, oi, meu amigo! You want to hear from my friend, yes? My name is Ricardo, and I am writing to you from my beautiful home in Rio, with the sun on my face and the sound of the waves, you know? Jake, he is my good americano friend, very funny man with the big hat. He asks me, “Ricardo, you are a man of passion, of the festa, you appreciate the beautiful beach, the caipirinha, and the company of a stunning mulher. You must try this website, Find My Dating App. It has 4,000 sites!” I say to him, “Jake, my friend, 4,000 sites? This is not an app, this is a headache!” But I am a man of the world, of… how you say… aventura! So I try.

The pro, the good part? It is… simple, no? You answer a few little questions, and poof, it sends you to another site. It is like a good samba – it gets you moving, but you do not always know where you will end up, né? It is very efficient, I will give it this. It does not waste your time with long procedures. It is like a good caipirinha – strong, sweet, and straight to the point, entende?

But the cons, ai de mim, the cons! This is not one app. It is like the front door of a very big and very expensive carnaval! You click one button and you are with “the lovers of the feijoada.” You click another and you are with “the people who like to dance the forró all night.” It is a madness! And every site, every single one, they want your money. It is more expensive than a good time in Ipanema, I tell you!

Now, for my personal story. I go on this app, and it asks me, “What are you looking for, Ricardo?” I say, “I am looking for a mulher with passion, a woman who enjoys the sun, the good caipirinha, and perhaps a dance on the beach, sim?” I press the button, and the screen, it says, “Perfect! We have found the ideal site for you: ‘Brazilian Bikini Babes’!”

Brazilian Bikini Babes? Nossa! I think, “Well, Brazil is the land of beautiful women and beautiful beaches, so why not?” I click, and I see a profile of a woman, her name is Isabella. She is stunning, her smile is like the sunrise over Copacabana, and in her picture, she is wearing a very small biquíni. I think, “Maravilhoso!” I send her a message. I say, “Oi, lindona. The sun, it is jealous of you.”

She writes back very fast! She says, “Oh, you are a man of fire! I am so happy to meet you! I am looking for a partner who understands… the rhythm.”

So we talk, you know? We talk for hours. She asks me what I like to do. I tell her I like to play futebol, to listen to Bossa Nova, to walk on the beach at night. She says, “That sounds… nice. I mostly just practice my samba steps. I give my high heels names. I talk to them.”

At this point, my friend, I am feeling a little… estranho. But I am a gentleman, so I continue. I ask her, “So, Isabella, what is your biggest fantasy?” She writes back, and I swear on the statue of Christ the Redeemer, this is what she said: “My biggest fantasy is to find a man who is willing to let me use his back as a stage to practice my samba routine in my highest heels, while we listen to very loud pagode.”

I just sit there. My caipirinha, it almost falls from my hand. I am looking for a woman of passion, and I find a woman who wants to use me as a dance floor! It is too much for me! I close my laptop, I go outside, and I look at my surfboard. I need a moment.

So this is my review, my friend. This Find My Dating App, it is like a box of chocolates. You do not know what you will get. You might find a beautiful mulher, or you might find a woman who wants to turn you into a stage. It is a gamble, a loteria, as you Americans say.

So, I will stick to the beaches of Ipanema, no? At least there, the only thing that is loud is the music, and not the woman’s high heels on my back. É a vida, my friend. It is life. You take the good with the… very, very strange. Saúde