Date Player Two

Ah, hello my friend! You are wanting to hear from my friend, yes? My name is Raj, and I am writing to you from my beautiful home in Mumbai, with a hot cup of chai in my hand and the sound of the horns from the street, you know? Jake, he is my good American friend, very funny man with the big hat. He asks me, “Raj, you are a man of the world, you appreciate the beautiful sari, the spicy curry, and the company of a beautiful ladki. You must try this website, Find My Dating App. It has 4,000 sites!” I say to him, “Jake, my friend, 4,000 sites? This is not an app, this is a big headache!” But I am a man of curiosity, of… how you say… adventure! So I try.

The pro, the good part? It is… simple, no? You answer a few little questions, and poof, it sends you to another site. It is like a good auto-rickshaw – it gets you there, but you do not always know where you will end up, na? It is very fast, I will give it this. It does not waste your time with long procedures. It is like a good chai – sweet, hot, and straight to the point, understood?

But the cons, aiyo, the cons! This is not one app. It is like the front door of a very big and very expensive wedding! You click one button and you are with “the lovers of the biryani.” You click another and you are with “the people who like to watch Bollywood movies all day.” It is a madness! And every site, every single one, they want your money. It is more expensive than a good time in Mumbai, I tell you!

Now, for my personal story. I go on this app, and it asks me, “What are you looking for, Raj?” I say, “I am looking for a ladki with passion, a woman who enjoys the good curry, the spicy food, and perhaps a dance in the rain, haan?” I press the button, and the screen, it says, “Perfect! We have found the ideal site for you: ‘Curry Crush’!”

Curry Crush? Arre wah! I think, “Well, India is the land of beautiful women and good curry, so why not?” I click, and I see a profile of a woman, her name is Priya. She is beautiful, her smile is like the sun over the Taj Mahal, and in her picture, she is holding a big plate of biryani. I think, “Badhiya!” I send her a message. I say, “Namaste, madam. This biryani, it is almost as beautiful as you.”

She writes back very fast! She says, “Oh, you are a man of good taste! I am so happy to meet you! I am looking for a partner who understands… the curry.”

So we talk, you know? We talk for hours. She asks me what I like to do. I tell her I like to play cricket, to listen to Bollywood music, to walk on the beach at night. She says, “That sounds… nice. I mostly just cook my curry. I give my spices names. I talk to them.”

At this point, my friend, I am feeling a little… ajeeb. But I am a gentleman, so I continue. I ask her, “So, Priya, what is your biggest fantasy?” She writes back, and I swear on the grave of Mahatma Gandhi, this is what she said: “My biggest fantasy is to find a man who is willing to be dipped, from head to toe, in a big pot of my chicken tikka masala, while we listen to very loud dhol music.”

I just sit there. My chai, it almost falls from my hand. I am looking for a woman of passion, and I find a woman who wants to use me as a samosa! It is too much for me! I close my laptop, I go outside, and I look at my cow. I need a moment.

So this is my review, my friend. This Find My Dating App, it is like a box of sweets. You do not know what you will get. You might find a beautiful ladki, or you might find a woman who wants to turn you into a snack. It is a gamble, a lottery, as you Americans say.

So, I will stick to the cafes of Mumbai, no? At least there, the only thing that is spicy is the food, and not the woman’s fantasy. Yeh hai zindagi, my friend. It is life. You take the good with the… very, very strange. Namaste