AdultFriendFinder

Y’all, lemme tell ya somethin’ ’bout this here AdultFriendFinder. Now, I’m Jake, 34 years old, been livin’ down here in Houston my whole damn life, and I been single goin’ on three years now after my ex Becky ran off with that forklift operator from Galveston. Bless her heart, but that woman couldn’t find water if she fell outta the boat.

So anyways, my buddy Chet from the rig – y’all know the one, works over at the refinery – he told me ’bout AFF back in March. Said he met his current “friend” Darlene on there, and they been havin’ a grand ol’ time. Figured I’d give it a shot ’cause the bar scene down on Washington Avenue ain’t been kind to me lately, and Tinder’s full of gals lookin’ for husbands when all I wanted was somebody to watch the Astros with and maybe heat up the sheets after.

Signed up on a Tuesday night after three Shiner Bocks. Paid for that gold membership – cost me about forty bucks a month, which ain’t chicken scratch but ain’t exactly breakin’ the bank either. Set up my profile, put up a picture of me at the rodeo last year (lookin’ presentable, not my muddy huntin’ photos like some fellas do). Said I was lookin’ for “casual connections” and “see where it goes.”

First week? Lord have mercy, it was a mess. Got messaged by three different “women” who turned out to be bots tryin’ to sell me crypto or get me to sign up for their OnlyFans. One gal – or whoever was runnin’ that account – asked me to send her $200 in Bitcoin before we’d even exchanged howdys. I might be from Texas but I ain’t stupid, bless your heart.

But then, second week, I matched with this gal named Tammy from over in Austin. Real profile, verified photos, actual human bein’. We got to talkin’ ’bout barbecue – she prefers Franklin’s, I’m a Louie Mueller man myself – and next thing ya know, we meet up at that honky-tonk on Sixth Street. Had a real nice evenin’, danced a little two-step, and well… let’s just say the night ended better than it started. Didn’t turn into nothin’ permanent, but that’s exactly what I was lookin’ for.

Since then, I’ve met maybe six, seven folks through the site. Three were actual dates that went somewhere, rest were either catfish or folks who looked nothin’ like their pictures. One lady showed up forty pounds heavier and twenty years older than her profile pic. I was polite, bought her a drink, but I ain’t gonna lie – that was disappointin’.

The site itself? It’s got more fake profiles than a rodeo’s got cowboys. You gotta sort through a lot of hay to find the needle. But the ones that are real? They’re usually pretty upfront ’bout what they want, which I appreciate. Ain’t nobody playin’ games pretendin’ they want a white picket fence when they’re really just lookin’ for a good time.

Messaging system’s clunky as an old tractor, and half the time the app crashes on my phone. Customer service is basically non-existent – sent ‘mail three times about a billing issue, never heard back. Had to dispute it with my credit card company.

Would I recommend it? Well, depends on what you’re after. If you’re lookin’ for a wife and mama for your kids, go to church or try Match.com. But if you’re a single fella like me, just got outta somethin’ serious or never been in nothin’ serious, and you’re lookin’ to meet folks who ain’t gonna waste your time? Yeah, AFF works. Just keep your wits about ya, don’t send nobody money, and for the love of God, meet in public first. I always meet at Buc-ee’s – good lighting, lots of witnesses, and if it don’t work out, at least I can grab some beef jerky and a clean bathroom.

Three stars. Woulda been four if they cleaned up them fake profiles, and five if the app didn’t crash every time I try to upload a photo.

Y’all take care now, and happy huntin’.

– Jake from Houston, TX

*P.S. – If Tammy from Austin is readin’ this, thanks for the memories, darlin’. Hope you found that brisket recipe you were lookin’ for.*